I gently got to my knees, threatening to rip the already wearing fabric of my jeans. Once I was on the floor I reached as far back into the bottom shelf as I could. My hand fumbled around until I had a grasp on one of the white boxes—I flipped it over and checked  for the 36D on the back. Successfully grabbing the box I put it in my grocery cart, back tracked to the other aisle for the paper towels, tampons and 2 cases of Diet Pepsi.

Reassuring myself my mental list was all checked I headed to the registers. Only one lane was open and I was hoping for the indiscreet girl who never looked me in the eye but, I saw Cody was behind the register. He was listening to music and didn’t see me right away. I lined my items up and prepared my smile.

He greeted me and started ringing my items up. I wasn’t sure whether to look at him or at my items---I was some what embarrassed, I would be buying an 18 hour bra when he was working. What was a bra doing in that box anyway ?  Does it just fall apart after 18 hours ? More importantly why can I buy it in a convenience store ?

Cody didn’t seem to mind as he picked the bra up nonchalantly.

“Hey, you ever meet Zane Brooks ?,” he asked as he slid items across the scanner.

“No.”

“Went to school with Rhett and I. He was the common sense in our li’l group. The smart one. Anyway, he was taken 'em college classes online and he joined the Marines last year. He is back in town . . . spent Christmas with his folks.”

“Oh, okay.” I said

This was news apparently, I was surprised it hadn’t made the Freeport Press.

“Zane said he is going to be in Freeport a while but,shit, I’d be scared. At anytime  he can git sent somewhere and killed,” Cody continued scrunching up his brown hair with his free hand like he didn't understand something. “Ya think Rhett coulda been a Marine ? Ya think he woulda  lasted in the military--,”

“Hey ,” I smiled.

“What ?”

, “There are 5 branches of the US military; Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force and the Coast Guard,” I counted off on my  fingers.

“Now you sound like he did,” Cody rolled his eyes. “Lord have mercy.”

I smiled.

“40.23,” he said

I gave him the money and he gave me my change. I swung the two plastic grocery bags over each shoulder and prepared to carry a case of Diet Pepsi in each hand.

“You want me to help you carry anything ?,” Cody offered.

“Yeah,” I said, “Um, just bring this second case of Pepsi's out to the car. It's parked across the street,you can do it later, when you have time.”

He nodded his head, I waved good bye, picked up the other Diet Pepsi and  headed out of the store.

 I walked across  Ralph’s Convenience’s small parking lot, to the light on the corner and crossed over to the little strip mall across the street.

 I went over to the crookedly parked Camry, popped the trunk and put the grocery bags inside. I took the Diet Pepsi’s inside the Make Your Day Hair Salon ! I was greeted by the sounds of  fuzzy country music, laughter and of course screaming and crying.

I walked towards Jocelyn’s chair in the back where she was roller setting Mrs. Archer’s wet auburn hair. I dropped the change from Ralph’s Convenience  near her station. The two women were in the middle of a story but, Mrs. Archer stopped to talk to me.

“Afternoon, sweetheart,” Mrs. Archer said.

“Good afternoon,” I said

I restocked the dingy mini fridge in the back  with the sodas and then--taking the last cold Diet Pepsi ---went back to the front desk where,  I saw a woman I didn’t recognize waiting.

“Have you been helped this afternoon, ma’am ?,” I asked

“I got her Juliana !,” Jocelyn called to me.

I nodded my head and seeing nothing for me to do at the moment decided to finally start on The Five People You Meet in Heaven.  The children playing in the front were loud and I gave up reading after skimming the praise and review section.

 There were 4 children running around the front entrance, all showing of their newest toys to the others.The oldest one was a spunky six year old girl who was trying to control them as they ran around knocking things over.

  A 2 year old blonde boy toddled over to me and attempted to put a glob of yellow Play Doh that looked like it had been in his mouth into my lap.

“Oh, no thanks.” I said as sweetly as I could.

He tried to offer it to me more before running off to go back to playing. In his rush he ran right into the open drawer on the desk and fell on the ground in tears. The other kids began to stare at him like they had hurt him.  I looked back to see the boy’s mother in  her black paint suit watching the incident unfold from behind her magazine at the hair dryer.

“Juliana honey, can you ?” she asked

I sighed and picked the child up, the attention seemed to soothe him and I put the unopened cold Diet Pepsi from my desk on his head. He seemed fine but, the others took this as a sign to play around my desk.

The six year old girl—I believe her name is Destiny began to dance her Barbie  across my desk.

“She's a ballerina princess, like Cinderella," Destiny told me.

"Is she ?," I responded.

"Yea, but she needs a prince. I gotta git  one--,"

"I would think so," I said

"Yeah. Santa Clause--he bought me her and musta forgot the prince."

“Did he ?,” I said.

“Yes ma’am and Santa--he gave me a purse, I got it over there. I got candy canes in it. You kin have one. You want one ?,” she asked

“No, I don’t need it. ” I said

“I got lots ,” she told me.

“No, I’m on a diet.” I told her and she actually seemed to understand this.

Destiny’s mother,  Mrs. Shaw walked up with her freshly cut and styled  hair and took the girl's hand.

“Pretty,” I commented on the cut.

“Thank ya,” Mrs. Shaw smiled as she began to scribble out a check. “ Ain’t it your  one year anniversary today, sweetie ? ”

“No, our anniversary was a couple days ago . . . on Christmas Eve,” I corrected her.

“No, No. I remember going to the weddin’ on the 27^th in Union Hill. Cause my  brother Reggie’s birthday was the day after in the same building.”

“That was just a reception. We never had a wedding. We got married at the courthouse over in Fenton.”

“Oh,” she said matter of factly,"Well, happy belated one year anniversary. It's just a crying a shame 'bout your situation."

She handed me the check, made her next appointment and headed outside.

It was a common mistake I had been correcting all day. Last year, Rhett and I had  to marry quickly and  decided to get married on Christmas Eve so the day would always be special.

I sighed and looked over at the clock on the wall. It was only 2 PM.  I looked down at the framed picture of Rhett, right next to the picture of his sister Savannah. I missed him.

 ***

I let myself get stuck in Freeport, Louisiana last year. What I thought was an asylum was actually a trap. This was not what I signed up for but, it would have to do for now. My journey to this nothing town was anything but simple and expected.  It didn’t matter, in my head, I can still have a fairytale ending, I can be Cinderella .  This isn’t my ever after.

     -------------------

       +2+

I had loved Rhett  Clark for nearly 3 years through paper.

Our little courtship  felt like it was another lifetime ago.

I spent nearly 4 years in the Florida halfway house away from him and yet I had felt so close to him. Aside from one visit from Dad and the holidays in Florida with Sawyer and the others, I never had much connection with other people. Rhett's letters became more than important to me, they had been sacred.

I was not happy when we had to part ways after his graduation party. He had to go back to Louisiana and I was stuck in Hartford. It seemed to be a bearable existence until he let me visit him Memorial’s Day  a few weeks later.

I can’t remember the weekend but, I remember crying on the bus the whole way back home. I didn't want to leave.

When he came to New London for his 2 week assignment it was the first time we had ever been truly alone. He could unknowingly charm me, he was like my prince charming.

We had  met up at the ice cream store 2 hours ago and hadn’t talked about anything but music the whole time. He showed me his new Mp3 player and let me listen to the Counting Crows as we found a bench to sit on in the Hartford Promenade.

“I like the Mp3 player” I said, taking the earphones off and handing it back to him, “ I don’t know about the song,”

“You can just like dance to it,” he said,” You ever been dancing ?,”

“No. I really like Maroon 5. It’s really . . . soulful. Have you heard of them ? ”

“Naw, but, I’ll check them out," he said.

I knew there was a music store nearby. I walked past it a lot  but, never went inside. I led him off the bench  and down a few blocks to the Spinning Needle Records. I went to the listening display and saw my favorite Maroon 5 song was available to listen to. I put the headphones on him.

“I bought the Maroon 5  album because this song makes me think of  . . . you and I, I guess. I don't know I just really like it," I said.

Before he could respond I turned the music on and I could hear the opening beats coming from the headphones. I loved the look on his face as he absorbed the music trying to decide if he liked it or not.  As he listened I felt courageous and began to confess.

“So, I cried when I left Freeport on Memorial’s Day weekend. I felt physically sick from leaving you.” I said “ I love you but, I am also in love with you. I’m having so much fun and I’m afraid if you leave  me again my heart will break.”

He took the headphones off and looked at me with his green eyes slightly narrowed. He had turned the music off when he saw my lips moving. He had heard every word I said which was what I wanted and didn’t want at the same time.


“Do you want to marry me ?,” he said

The words shocked me especially coming from his mouth. Marriage was a touchy word in my house but, I had a better association with it now.

“You hate it here, right ? You sleep on a god damn couch,” he said,  “ Come to  Louisiana with me, let me take care of you. For the past 4 years I couldn’t think of another girl but you. We can get married and live together. Then, when my 5 mandatory service years are up we can go wherever the hell we want together.”

“We don’t have money for a wedding,” I said, the moment felt surreal and almost silly.

“I can talk to my mom and the church. We can arrange something.”

This was getting serious.

“Yes,” I said.

I was sick of playing games and sick of watching him leave me. At the time, I thought marriage could end that.

He leaned into kiss me but stopped inches from my face.

I let out an involuntary giggle and turned away from him, I didn’t want to kiss him in a public place but, he had other plans.

“This is so crazy but, I have an idea,” he said.

 “What could be crazier than this ?,” I asked

"Have we kissed ?," he asked

"Not unless you know something I don't," I said

He smirked at me.

“Okay, well . . .  what if we saved our first kiss . . . for when we got married ?”

“Okay,”  I agreed.

My dad didn’t know I communicated with Rhett as much as I did and the level of our relationship. Dad hated Rhett and thought our correspondence was just a simple courtesy to each other as part of therapy.

After our little engagement Rhett had to go back to Freeport for work and I was going to tell my dad on my own. Dad was beyond upset when I told him and he spent days talking it over with me, telling me it was a mistake.

The thing is Dad didn’t know the Rhett I knew. He didn't know the man who wrote me nearly every day with the often mundane but, occasionally intimate parts of his day. He wasn’t the angry teenager who stole Dad's car.

I looked at the picture of Mom that he had finally put up on the mantle during my 4 year leave. I still wore the necklace of her ashes around my neck. I wanted to ask him if she was a mistake but, I wasn’t that bold. I’m still not.

I don’t think my Dad believed in marriage anymore, it made sense considering what we had been through but a life with Rhett meant something different to me.

In the end Dad said I would make my mistakes, he would still love me and there was always a place for me in Hartford. He refused to do anything to help or support this marriage and said he would think about coming to the wedding.

It was the beginning of the many little obstacles that got in the way of our happily ever after.

Joeclyn—Rhett’s mother wasn’t exactly thrilled about our decision but, she took it better than my dad had. She was happy her son was settling down but, she never seemed happy he was choosing me. The week after our impromptu engagement, she called me and told me she wanted to put in the motions in for our wedding.

 I wanted to move with him soon and  get this over quickly. I didn’t want a big ceremony, a church wedding or any of that but, Jocelyn did. So, I conceited.

The first obstacle came with the church, they could not marry us because I was not a member of the Southern Baptist  Convention.  Jocelyn’s father was an ordained revered and she had grown up in the church in Mississippi. To her it was important I be a member of the church before I marry her son. I don't think she was trying to stall the wedding, she just truly believed that.

I had a complicated relationship with God and church. Most of my roommates at the halfway house had been Catholic and were constantly trying to make peace with God. They made crosses on their chests before they went to do something illegal.  I attended the services with them occasionally, it intrigued me and I often found the messages empowering.

With this in mind, I agreed to become baptized in the church and we pushed the wedding back from the Fall to Valentine's Day.  In order to properly do that I relocated to Freeport. It wasn't the best time to move in with them. Jocelyn had gotten laid off from her job because the Hair Cuttery in Fenton closed and was in a mood that Tess often described as bitchy.

She wasn't happy I was moving in and we weren't married and made sure I shared a room with Savannah. Savannah was 15, a teenager and I didn't want to intrude so I mostly just slept in her room as not to be a bother. Rhett worked all day and I had yet to find a job nearby so, I spent my time visiting the church and helping the bitter Jocelyn job hunt. As a condition of my stay I had to help with a bulk of the housework until I got a job.

My first few weeks in Freeport there was a culture shock and I could see why Rhett had hated here so much. There were only about 8 stores in Freeport and if you ever needed something it was always in the next town over in Fenton. Everything was "oe'r in Fenton". I had been told I had a slight accent but, growing up where I did it was never as bad as the one of people in Freeport. I often found it hard to believe this was how these people actually talked. I went from living with people who spoke rapid fire Spanish or accented English to people who talked like there were 34 hours in a day. For some reason I heard the accent less when Rhett spoke to me but, it always made me smile when he asked for a "ba-loo" shirt.

Spending all day in the neighborhood, I soon new everyone who lived there. Not by name but, by reputation--Jocelyn always had people over to talk and they mostly gossiped in my presence. They worried about the Turners because their son (and Rhett's best friend) Cody was in Fenton county jail for drugs, and loved to gossip about  Ann and Ray Ashby. They  were a couple in their mid 30's who had moved in 10 years ago but, Ann Ashby never talked to anyone and it was always news if she ever left the house. They talked about what she wore or how her hair looked on those days.

Ray Ashby was sociable but, mostly people were afraid of him. Rhett vaguely told me he and Cody almost got into a small fist fight with Ray but never told me over what. When I suggested it might be something serious, he and Jocelyn told me it was more respectful to mind your own business.

Mindless gossip and small town politics like that began to consume my life.

After a while Jocelyn gave up her job search and  decided buy her own salon   I gave up my search and  began to  help her set it up. As we spent more time together, the niceties were out of the window and her true colors showed-- I no longer tried to call her Mrs.Clark

+5+

I soon adjusted.

Rhett got up in the morning at 6 AM, rolled out of bed and ran directly out the door to go jogging. He worked from 8 in the morning to 5:00 and made it back to the house by 6 PM. We would talk in the kitchen and after while our conversation were just him  complaining about his job and I would tell him at least he had a job.

When  Fall came in the wedding was a couple of months away. We thought it was a good time to start looking at apartments in the neighboring towns.  We were going to look at some the week after Halloween. That day Rhett came back to the house early—Jocelyn had gone to the bank in Fenton to see the bank about a loan.

 I wasn't expecting him, I had just put some clothes in the was and was  watching some game show, a bible study book on my lap when Rhett came through the door and for once he had a smile on his face. He stood like he was going to make an announcement with the ridiculous grin on his face.

“What ?,” I asked quickly finger combing my hair.

He shook his head and sat next to me and still said nothing.

“I’ll get my purse and we can go to look at the apartments.” I said standing up. I was ready to leave the house.

“J, don’t bother.” He smiled,” I got some real good news.”

“Tell me," I said

“Okay but, let’s go to Roosters,” he said

“Okay,” I agreed.

I took my purse, he took my hand,  we got into his blue truck and drove to the most popular place in Freeport.  Rooster’s was a small bar, on my first day in Freeport Jocelyn all but forbade me from going there because she said it would 'ruin reputations' and anyone who went there was fast tracking to hell. I knew Rhett went there everyday after work because Jocelyn didn’t let him drink in the house. I always hated that he was out there driving right after he had been drinking.

We walked inside the bar and people at the bar whispered some but, I could sense Rhett shaking it off and soon they tried harder at acting normal. Ray Ashby was at the corner of the bar and offered Rhett a neighborly nod and we quickly walked past him. The bartender acknowledged Rhett as we sat in a booth in the corner and the bartender brought us two beers.

"Even'n," the bartender said to me.

"Hi,"  I said

The bar was pretty spacious, it was  made nearly entirely of wood and except for the bar, and some game tables it was mostly empty space.  A couple of people were standing up and swaying to the music on the radio near the back entrance.

“What is going on ?,” I asked

His smile faded as I talked and he sucked his bottom lips with is front teeth like was annoyed.

“I was excited," he said, "But, now I’m kinda scared to tell you.”

He picked the beer up and took a rather long drink.

“You’re scared of me ? You're scaring me,” I said

He put the beer down and his finger went around the edge.

“ I was talkin’ to my boss today. He thinks I should go to Coast Guard Rescue Swimmer Training School. It's like this program. I mean . . . I like to swim, you know. It's my new passion. ”

“ I know. This is good. You hate your job, this would help you do something better. Why would you be scared to tell me that ?”

“The school is in Elizabethtown, North Carolina.” He said.

“North Carolina ? Are we moving ?,” I asked.

It sounded like a nice place to live.

“Well, it’s just a four month school so, it is temporary and the Guard will only move me. After that I will go to EMT training in Memphis, Tennessee. In Memphis I graduate the program.”

“Are you thinking about leaving me ?,” I said.

I didn’t know what that meant but, that was all that came out.

“J, I’m afraid of the person I will turn into if I stay here," he said " I just need to do this for us and our future. It is only four months out of our forever.”

“Maybe we should talk to your mom,”

I was secretly hoping she would talk him out of it.

“Ain’t much to talk about. I already put in the application. There is only one session a year so,  I leave on Dec. 27^th,” he said.

“Wait, you are leaving for 4 months in December. So, you will miss the wedding ?”

“I know, I’m sorry. Let’s move the wedding. We can figure something out.”

“Rhett, I’m not going to hold you back," I said " But, you know I gave up a lot for us. I moved here, I am getting baptized, I left a job and family and I don’t know if I can live in that house without you. You are leaving me stranded, I'm only here because of you.”

“Why do you want to  make me feel so bad ? I mean, damn it’s only 4 months.  We will just get married before I go. I know you don't really want a wedding," he said, raising his voice a bit.

"This can't wait till later ?,"

"No," he snapped at me

"I don't think this is fair. You should wait--,"

" I can't just stay here and settle anymore," he barked at me and then lowered his voice, "  I can’t  waist away here like every other jackass in Freeport. Staying here and being miserable-- That’s how people become bitter sons of bitches. That's how people turn into Ray Ashby. I can't let that happen to me. I am going to do this."

"Fine," I gave in crossing my arms.

"Hey," he said softly,"After this I will help you do whatever you want for the rest of our life"

I didn't feel ready to be baptized so soon, so Rhett and I decided to just drive to Fenton on Christmas Eve to get married at the courthouse. We had a fight on the driver over there. I was upset because half way there I wasn't sure this was what I wanted and he refused to turn around. When he finally did turn around I changed my mind back and after yelling at me and calling me "fucking indecisive" we went to the Fenton Courthouse and got married. When it was over I refused to kiss him and he told me he didn't care.

Jocelyn was upset over what we had done but, didn't have to long to be angry. We were all driving to her parent's house in Union Hill, Mississippi that  night. The car ride there she convinced us to let her and her mother throw a wedding reception celebration in her father's church while we were in Mississippi.  I didn't even know what that was or who would come at late notice  but, agreed to it to make her happy. She said getting married by ourselves had been selfish and we were supposed to let other people celebrate it.

I called my father that night and he couldn't make Jocelyn's attempt at passing a reception off in place of a wedding. Sawyer did make it but, Elisa was spending time with family and could not come with only 3 days notice.

+6+

Rhett's departure date rolled around on December 27th and I had still yet to kiss him. The time was never right or I just didn't feel like it.

Jocelyn hated good byes so, she said good bye to him early and that night Savannah and I drove him to the bus station 30 minutes away from Union Hill. The bus station was just an old building with a couple of vending machines inside of it, it was pretty empty and dismal.  His bus was just filling up as we pulled into the station.

"You goin' to be good ?," he asked Savannah, lightly punching her in the shoulder

"Yeah," she said," You don't do nothin' stupid. Don't drown."

"I try," he said hugging her," You gotta take care of everybody."

He moved to me next and wrapped his arms around me.

"You know I love you ?," he said

"I love you," I said

"It's only 4 months," he reminded me

"I know,"

He pulled out of the embrace and I reached my hand to his neck and pressed my lips to his while my other hand rested on his chest.

That was our first kiss.

A kiss good-bye.