Chapter 2

-1-

After  Rhett boarded the bus to North Carolina, Savannah and I stood in the station until the bus pulled off the lot. With Rhett's keys in my hand I went back to the truck and  drove us back towards Union Hill. I was biting my lip in frustration and trying to will myself not to cry as I navigated Rhett’s truck through the unfamiliar Mississippi streets. I got on to the interstate and a white sedan cut me off, I swerved and a bunch of cars honked at me before I could get myself back into a lane

“Want me to drive?,” Savannah asked.

“No, I’m fine.” I answered.

Savannah and I had a distant but nice relationship, we hadn't really warmed up to each other but she  seemed to be very perceptive. As anti-social as her brother could be at times, she made up for it with her warmness. Savannah was in her school choir and she occasionally sang the most beautiful songs at church. She was identical with the rest of her family, small features and dark hair that naturally waved.

 When we got to the house Mrs. Sullivan and Jocelyn were still awake and talking over the 11 o'clock news. Mrs. Sullivan was in her mid 70’s, close to the age of my father and came across even stricter than Jocelyn. Her arms were always crossed and she kept her graying hair in a tight french braid. She was nice to her grandchildren and I could tell that she loved them.

She was disappointed that Rhett and I got married at the courthouse but, last night she had given me a set of wedding gifts anyway. An empty family album and a collection of thick quilts I am sure she put together herself.

I took my place on the couch across from them and Savannah sat next to me. The anchors on the small television were beginning the broadcast with news from overseas. Jocelyn and Mrs. Sullivan continued their conversations and  I was lost in my own world trying to figure out how I ended up here.

“Are you okay ?,” Savannah asked.

It took me a minute to realize she was talking to me.

“Yes,” I said.

“It’s just like when he was at college,” Jocelyn said, I sensed some annoyance in her voice.” Why are you frettin’ so ?”

“I know,” I said, “It’s just I thought when we  got married I’d never have to say good bye like that again.”

“Oh hush,child,” Mrs. Sullivan chided,” 'least he ain’t gone over to the Middle East. Now that is a reason to be cryin’ or frettin’.”

I looked to the news and a hometown hero, a clean cut boy from Union Hill was being memorialized as one of the first killed in Iraq. His picture behind the American flag reminded me of the picture of Rhett I had in my wallet and I had to do everything not to lose it. I put the tip of my thumbnail between my front teeth and looked away from the screen.

“The Lord'll take care of him,” Jocelyn said ” The Lord and Daddy.”

 I looked over to the large picture  on the wall of the late Rev. Sullivan, a large elderly man who had died  just 2 years ago. Next to it was a wedding picture with a young Mrs. Sullivan—she was my age in fact, when she got married. He was just as handsome as Rhett and  she was smiling so wide, her dark hair was pulled to the top of her hair. I liked the picture, there was a reproduction of the image at Jocelyn's house.

I had seen the tapes of the Rev. Sullivan’s sermons in his last few years of life. He came off as a gracious, God-fearing man who wanted to send the message.

I felt silly for being emotional over the whole Rhett leaving  because I knew there were more important things in the world.  I spent a week at the Sullivan home, constantly nagged by the team Jocelyn and Mrs. Sullivan on what I was doing right and wrong as a wife or woman or human being in general.

***

 

When we got back to Freeport, I finally moved into Rhett’s childhood bedroom and exchanged the ugly pinstripe bedspread for Mrs. Sullivan’s baby blue and yellow quilt. I made  the bed up neatly, carefully placing each pillow near the headboard. When  I finished I got  under the covers and never felt  more alone.

-2-

The 4 months Rhett was at the school he only came home twice and at that point I was in the thick of helping Jocelyn set up the salon. On his first visit weekend Rhett and I spent a night in Baton Rouge.

I didn’t recognize him, in a little over a month his body had changed , he had dark circles under his eyes and seemed a bit cold towards me.  I could not figure out why he was taking me to Baton Rouge but, I was happy we were alone.

“What are we going to see here ?,”I asked as we headed into the Baton Rouge hotel.

“Nothin’,” he said “ Ain’t nothing to do either.”

“Then why are we here ? ,”

I heard him suck his teeth as we approached the front desk.

“To be alone.” He answered,” You want that,right ?,”

I nodded my head

Rhett gave our name to the person at the front of the hotel and we went up together. When we got to our room he  unlocked the door, threw the luggage in and put his foot in the crack to stop it from closing.

He put his hands under my  knees and picked me up.

“What are you--,”

“This is how it is supposed to be done, right ?,” he said,” I carry you in.”

I let him carry me in,  he sat me on the bed and we kissed.

“Tell me about school,” I said.

“Naw,” he said.

“I want to know.” I said,”Are you okay there ?,”

“Ain’t much to tell,” he said,” Wish I didn’t leave.”

“You are happy you to be here aren’t you?,”

“Course,” he said

He pushed the hair over my shoulders away and we both started to smile.

I was happy to smile again.

I tugged on his shirt and undid the buttons, he really had gotten  in shape, the muscles in his chest and stomach were more prominent, they were tight and hard.

Rhett leaned into me, kissed me passionately and pushed me down on the bed. He straddled his body on  top of mine and put his lips to my ear.

“I love you, baby.” He breathed

It was the first time I remember him calling me baby and my heart fluttered a bit. This felt real, this felt like what I wanted in a marriage.

He kept just enough of his weight on me the entire time, he kept his green eyes open, taking in every part of my face. Whenever I closed my eyes to let him kiss or touch me, he would always open them back up so we were eye to eye.

"Rhett," I sighed, begging him to come closer to me.

We never saw any of Baton Rouge that day.

-3-

We checked out on Saturday morning to head back to Freeport. I told Rhett we should go to the shopping mall  to buy something for Savannah. It was a big galleria mall and it reminded me of the ones in Hartford and Miami. There were a couple of restaurants inside and Rhett said he wanted to get a drink before we left.

Not wanting to start a fight, we went into one of the restaurants bordering the shopping mall. He ordered the restaurants’s specialty beer---a  locally brewed lager while I picked at some french onion soup.

“This beer tastes like piss, try it.” He said pushing the bottle to me.

“No,” I said,” Why would I do that ?,”

He finished half of it before ordering a Miller Light.

“Are you okay ? Are you supposed to be drinking ?,” I asked

“Did you really just ask me that ?,” he smirked

“I think we should leave now,” I suggested before he had another drink," Your mom and Savannah probably want to spend time with you."

I felt part guilty for taking him away from his mother and sister for so long. When he didn’t respond I repeated myself.

“Julie,” he said taking my hand,” I came here to be with you. not, them.”

“That’s awful.” I said.

“It is not awful,” he said,”We never had a honeymoon. Trust me, they are sick of me.”

I didn’t say anything and an hour later we finally left.

 

***

 For two people who had been very intimate  for nearly 36 hours we were very silent with each other on the drive back to Freeport.  I was waiting for him to break the silence and he finally did.

“You get baptized yet ?,” he asked

“No.” I said, “ I want you to be there.”

“Why ?,” he asked

“What do you mean why ?  It’s kind of special.”

“You know I ain’t into all that stuff. We are married now. You really ain’t gotta do it,”

“I want to,” I said.

“Why ? For Mama or Nana. They will get the fuck over it. The church is how they trap people. It will suffocate you.”

“It kind of does the exact opposite to me. It helps me breathe.” I said

I heard him sigh loudly.

"I mean it. Some of the pastors are so nice."

“Whatever.” He scoffed

“What is your problem ?,” I asked

“Nothing.” He answered.

I let it go. He reached into his pocket and took two white pills out. He quickly took them down with the bottle of Dr.Pepper I had.

“I thought I was the pill freak around here,” I joked.

 “Just pain meds.” He answered

“Are you okay ?,” I asked

“Are you ever going to stop fucking asking me that ?,”

“I’m sorry,”  I said

He took one hand off the wheel and put it gently around my neck.

“I’m sorry,” he said,”I've just been getting my ass handed to me. Please, kiss me.”

“Later,” I promised.

He turned his head to me and kissed my check and I pulled away

“RHETT!,” I screamed as he went out of his lane and nearly hit s red sports car.

He jerked the wheel and the car swerved out of control, we went in a 360 circle on the road before he ran right into a ditch, I braced myself as the car made impact with a tree . The windshield cracked and I could see smoke coming from the hood. We both quickly ran out of the car as it began to spark a bit.. The car seemed to be completely smashed into the tree, the engine of the car was showing.

“SHIT!,” he cursed,”What the hell ? Did you see that, baby ?  That jackass came out of nowhere.”

That jackass was long down the road and hadn’t come out of nowhere.

“You weren’t looking at the road, honey,"  I reminded him, " I knew I should have been driving, you were drunk and--,”

“I’m not drunk. Shut up. Julie,” he shot at me,” Just shut the fuck up if you aren’t going to help.”

“No. You wanted to kiss me. I said ‘later’ because you were driving and you were drinking," I kept going.  I just wanted to be right, "You always drink and drive it is going to kill you--,”

“What part of shut the hell up do you not understand ?,”he said.

I crossed my arms. Rhett walked around the damaged car.

“Are you going to call someone ?,” I asked, Rhett kept his cell phone in a holster on his hip.

He just kept walking around the car like he couldn’t see it. I walked over to him and grabbed the cell phone off of his hip, he pushed me away and took his phone back.

"J, stop," he said

“Rhett, I am not standing out here all day,” I said.

“Why are you so set on  callin' someone ? We may still be able to drive it,”

“Are you blind ?,” I asked," Look what you did, you totaled it ! We may as well leave it instead of paying a tow truck. We can't afford this, this is all your fault  I hope you learn your lesson and never drink again. I am sure your CPO would love to know what his guardsman is up to,"

“God damnitt, Juliana will you shut the fuck up ?," he shouted, "I don't need your high and mighty bullshit,  we could have been killed and you are being a motherfucking bitch right now. If you aren't going to help then shut the fuck up."

“Don't talk to me like that---,"

"Juliana, I swear to God I will kill you--,"

"You know what ? Goodbye Rhett. I'm walking away.” I said , my voice was breaking as I walked away from the car.

I turned around to see he was just watching me leave with his arms crossed. We were a good 30 miles from Freeport and there was no way I could walk back there.

I went back over by the car and sat down in the grass trying to get the warm flush off my face.  I put my head in my lap and let the tears fall silently to myself. I was right and he would eventually have to call someone and admit what he did was wrong.

After and hour of trying to start the car, he called a tow truck and he called Jocelyn to pick us up. Rhett was vaugue with her about what happened and just said he was cut off. Not wanting to get her upset I followed Rhett’s story.

When we got home that night , we both went to sleep in the bed with his grandmother’s precious quilts on it. I liked the quilts and I liked having a bed to share with him but, that night I felt like I was sleeping next to a stranger.

***

A month later, in mid March I found out I was pregnant.

 Jocelyn asked me to take a pregnancy  test out of the blue,  I never even had a suspicion. She had noticed I had kept the same box of tampons for so long. I wasn’t going to see Rhett again until he graduated from  school at the end of April.

After we went to the hospital to confirm it , we went out to dinner and I was feeling emotional.

“I am so sorry,” I cried to Jocelyn,” I didn’t mean this to happen.”

“What are you apologizing for ?,” she asked

“I know you don’t need a pregnant girl,”

“Hey, sugar” she said, “Rhett will be back in a month and ya’ll can start your family.”

With the pregnancy my 6 month job search was over for now. The month went by quickly and just as the spring was coming we got into our sole car--- Jocelyn’s  1988 Camry and headed to Tennessee to see Rhett graduate and finally come back home.

I had never been to Memphis and the city was different than the big ones in Florida and the quaint cities of Connecticut. We pulled up to the gymnasium the graduation was supposed to be in and I saw Rhett was standing outside In his dress whites. I was having flashbacks to the day 5 years ago when I saw him at the stadium and we went into the Navy vs Coast Guard game together.

I was sitting in the backseat  of the Camry and told myself to keep it together, remembering the coldness he had with me before.  As we got out of the car, I lagged behind. He wrapped his mother in a hug first and then Savannah, he picked her up. Finally, he came to me hugged me and kissed me  on the lips for a little more than a moment.

We had never so much as hugged in front of his family so his intimate display of affection surprised me, he kept holding me close to him. I was afraid of getting his white uniform dirty with my make up but he didn’t seem to care.

The graduation was a simple affair, there were only about 23 graduates of the program--all of them men and afterwards he introduced us to some friends who told me I was pretty.

It was near 10 PM and we were walking back to the hotel, Rhett and I were lagging behind Savannah and Jocelyn.

“Hey,Ma,” Rhett said,” Ya’ll go back to the hotel. I think J and I are going to go out for a little bit,”

“I want to go out. Can I go ? ,” Savannah asked. She had just turned 16 a few weeks ago.

“No. You are too young, next time.” He said

I felt bad she couldn’t go but, she did help me find something to wear. I wasn’t showing yet but, I put on a white peasent blouse because  I was paranoid there was something there. With it I wore a khaki mini skirt and a pair of yellow Keds—the only flat shoes  I had brought with me. I soon found I was no match for some of the Memphis girls in their tiny shorts and high heels..

 

-4-

***

 

The lights of the city at night were unlike any in Miami. They were all different colors and twisted  into blinking shapes advertising any and everything. Rhett held my hand and we walked over to the famous Beale Street. A street lined with blues clubs and bards. There was some kind of street festival going on, and the streets were packed with people, and loud soulful blues music was blasting out of speakers. I held tightly on to his arm and we weaved in between the thick of the crowd, it was so intense we couldn’t really talk.

All of the bars were open and I shouted into his ear if he wanted to go into one but, he shook his head no.

We walked over to the main stage where the music was the loudest, people were standing in front of it  dancing to the music. He took my arm and led me off to the side and we went to the empty sidewalk, we danced in the alley,  right next to the side of the Black Diamond bar.

He held me close and I twisted and turned into his grasp to the beat of the music. We were doing what people our age where supposed to do, have fun and be carefree. I followed his lead as we danced and almost too soon the song died down and another one—an slower blues number started. We swayed from side to side when he slowly and slyly took a few steps forward, forcing  back. He pushed my back to the wall of the building and began to kiss me.

 I put my hands on the side of his face and pulled it closer to mine as his tounge danced in and out of my mouth. His hand rested on my  waist and I let my hand wonder down to hold on to his belt buckle. I  leaned back farther against the wall so he would come closer to me.  I untucked his shirt and let my hands trace across his stomach and he slid his hands under my skirt. The music still played but all I could hear was our labored breathing.

The worse was over , our separation was over and I didn’t care who was watching.

--5--

We all went back to Freeport  the next day and I finally felt whole.

Rhett said he was getting a pay bonus so, the next day we went to Fenton to the Babies R Us to go ahead and buy a crib. I wanted a simple one, and the associate said we would get a discount for getting the display crib. Rhett didn't like the  idea and convinced me to  splurge on a  large 400$ mahogany crib, brand new and still in the box.

“That thing will never get put together,"I teased him once he had dragged the box  into the house.

I started washing the dishes I had left in the sink from earlier.

“J, listen. You should know I’ve been re-assigned to Alaska,” he said.

I turned around and he was half smiling.

“Alaska ?,” I said

“You know where it is,  right ?”

“Yes, it sits on top of Washington state, right ?  Up north ? ”

“No,” he laughed, “ It’s near Canada. It’s the middle of nowhere, really. Hell, I hear they don’t even have a proper base.”

“Freeport is the middle of nowhere,”

“Not, really,” he said,” So, it looks like I’m going to be leaving in a few weeks for assignment in Alaska.”

“A few weeks?,” I said, “I guess I can be ready to go.”

“You ain’t goin’.” he said quietly,” There is nothing out there and I will be working crazy hours since I am still new. Once I get some seniority I will transfer back here.”

I stopped washing the dishes. Was he really doing this to me again ? How long had he known about this. I didn't care.

“You are abandoning your family ? Our family ?”

“ I have a duty. You know I can’t say no.”

“ What about me ?,”

“5 years, baby that’s it. Then the world is yours. My world is all yours, baby.”

“You’re promises are getting weak.”

“Sorry,”

“Go to hell,” I said

“Well, that ain’t very Christian of you.”

“Shut up,” I said,” I married you, Rhett. Not the Coast Guard or what ever the hell you want to do. Rhett. I hate you for this. I’m having a baby right now.”

"Even more of a reason why you should stay. There isn't even a hospital out there,"

"How can you do this to me again ?,"

“You think I like this ? You knew what you were getting into when you married me. You knew the commitment I made, you  knew I wasn't a civilian.” he said.

I set the dish in my hands down and walked out the room.

He left for Alaska and I never made up with him, I was told it was bad to be so bitter but, I didn't think he could die over there in Alaska. I threw myself into the baby and preparing for him/her, getting the nursery fixed up --of course the crib never got put together.  I was so angry with him I  never called him when he was in Alaska and when I was 4 months along I had a miscarriage.

I was in the salon, we were opening in a few weeks and I was  helping unload the chairs, we had some questionable meat for lunch from the deli in Ralph’s  and I assumed that was what was causing the cramps.  I was about to go across the street to use a bathroom when I saw the blood stain on my jean overalls.

I laid on the floor and using the just connected landline called Jocelyn and she drove me to the hospital because  it would be faster than an ambulanbe. I was in the hospital for the weekend and over that time I broke, I couldn’t stop asking questions. No one seemed to have an answer as to why this happened.

I was in a daze when someone handed me the phone and I heard his voice.

“Baby, Baby, I am so sorry,” he said he sounded like he was crying.  I had never heard his voice crack,”Oh, god. Fuck ! Baby,I wish I could be there.”

I didn’t say anything.

“Baby, talk to me,” he said,” Are you okay ?”

“It was so scary,” I said.

“Oh, baby. I am so sorry. I love you. It will be okay.”

 

 

 He comforted me for 8 hours straight all through the night  even though I knew it was his time off. He told me stories and repeated some of my favorite song lyrics and reminded me how beautiful he thought I was.

Going back home was hard but, Savannah and Jocelyn had taken everything for the nursery to the shed. I was glad Rhett was away, because after the miscarriage I kind of fell apart. For a while I was afraid of my own body and so disgusted by what had happened to me.

To cheer me up, Jocelyn wanted to fix my hair up for the opening of the salon.  In the 9 months we had lived together I had never let her touch my hair but, decided  to let her. She put a perm in my hair and added some light blonde streaks, The streaks came out too  bright and the curls came out too tight. While she thought it was adorable I hated it. I couldn’t style the tight curls and they often got tangled together and frizzed.

I didn’t want Rhett to see me until I got myself back together but,  in late July—2 months after the miscarriage he called to tell me he was going on a mission that would let him stop in New Jersey Harbor for a little while. He wanted to see me but I wasn't ready. The pregnancy and  miscarriage had taken it's toll on me, I had gained 30 pounds, my face was puffy and I couldn't took look in the mirror long enough to put make up on.  Still, Rhett wanted to see me so, I took a bus to New Jersey. Out visit was going to have to be exactly 12 hours.

And it was.

With the stress of his mother and the miscarriage removed from me I felt like a teenager in love again and it was a nice break .

Until I went back life.

-6-

That in a rather large  nutshell, is my own little  stilted fairytale. Rhett has stolen my heart with his charming accent , military chivalry,  kind words, empty promises yet now,  it was days after Christmas and I hadn’t seen my husband since that July in New Jersey.

That’s how I ended up  here in Freeport, my own version of hell.

 Even though I worked with her every day, Jocelyn and I’s  relationship was full of tension.  She could throw me out any second if she felt like it but, never did. She just kept me at a distance. My jobs skills were useless in Freeport so I mostly helped her in the salon and if I cleaned the house she made no big qualms.

She was more tolerable than living with Dad

Why was I still here ? I don’t know. 

It wasn’t Connecticut.

It was only temporary
I’d made a promise to that church.
My husband would come back here.

And occasionally I would sit on the front porch of the house by myself and smile.

 

A/N-- So that is kind of the end of the introductory section. It was originally all just a few paragraphs but, I wanted to flesh it out some.

I kind of wanted to see I could plant the idea in your head that Rhett was dead. Whenever I edited chapter 1 I kept getting that inclination with all the talk of war and drunk driving. I mean he isn't dead but the beginning always made it seem like he was to me.