The crowd of middle aged ladies thinned at around 5 PM and by 6:15 we waved goodbye to Miss Beckett, the last customer. The two other stylist paid their rent, cleaned their stations  and Jocelyn and I  finally closed up the salon. We went out to the parking lot  together and got in  her old burgundy Camry.

I had never dared ask to drive and she never offered.

I never had a car of my own in Freeport  let alone even owned a car.  I only occasionally drove Rhett’s car before he went ahead and wrecked it. If I went somewhere I usually went with Jocelyn and I occasionally had Cody take me places. He lived just across the street from us.

As we got into the car Jocelyn turned the radio to the country and oldies station. I put my headphones in and the Counting Crows flooded my ears. The song was on a mix CD Rhett sent me for Christmas, I had been listening to it nonstop.

The Make Your Day ! Salon is a 5 minute drive from the house, which I was thankful for. Any longer of a drive and the silence in the car would have been awkward. The Camry  pulled up to the small yellow house where Savannah was sitting outside on the front steps with her boyfriend,Caleb Lamb.  

Caleb and Savannah started hanging out when school started and more recently he had upgraded from friend to boyfriend. He was Savannah’s first boyfriend and he wasn’t allowed inside the house when Jocelyn wasn’t there.

“Hi, Mama,” Savannah greeted Jocelyn.

“Hey, baby.” She said,” Caleb,honey it’s almost dark. Doesn’t your mama  want you home ?,”

“Just a few more minutes,” Savannah pleaded,” It’s Saturday.”

Jocelyn just nodded her head and then tossed her car keys to Savannah.

“Why don’t you two kids get the groceries out the car while you are at it ?,” she said.

Jocelyn swung open the mesh doorway and went inside the house, set her purse down, took her dark curls out of the bun and  curled up on her sofa.

I busied myself carefully putting away the groceries Savannah and Caleb has just brought in.

 I knew that once I put the last Diet Pepsi in the refrigerator,  I would find the nearest chore to do. Then, in an hour Jocelyn would make dinner and we’d eat over the celebrity news.  After dinner, while I did the dishes Jocelyn would help Savannah with some school project or watch whatever line up was on television that night.


Most evenings, I could predict exactly what would happen but, tonight was a little different. After a  dinner of chicken breast covered in Campbell’s soup with rice , Savannah proudly sat at the table to make an announcement.

“ I got my new SAT scores and I want to start visiting colleges.” she announced.

She went over to her bookbag, pulled out some college pamphlets and information sheets and spread them over the table.

“This is great.” I said

Jocelyn eyed the large stack.

“Well, you know we can’t take you to all 'em. We can visit  your top ones first, baby. Which is your number one school ?,” Jocelyn asked picking up a brochure.

“Ole Miss,” Savannah said sheepishly.

“You would go with the out of state tuition,” Jocelyn smiled  rolling her eyes and opening the University of Mississippi brochure.

“I can just say I live with Nana, right ? I really want to go there. Caleb’s sister Maureen went there and his aunt too. They loved it”

“I’m sure they did. Maybe we can visit the college on our way to  see Nana next week. It's a couple hours from her house I think. But, you have a whole stack of scholarship applications you need to put in first. It’s not all about visiting pretty campuses,” Jocelyn warned her.

“Well, If I finish some of the scholarship stuff tonight, will you consider taking Caleb and I to visit the school ?,” Savannah bargained.

“I’ll see,” Jocelyn said,” I’ll let you concentrate. Juliana maybe you need to stay out of her way ?,”

“Oh, of course,” I agreed

“No, you can help me.” Savannah said

“She can’t help you much, she never went to college herself. Hey, that reminds me--- you’ll be the first girl in the family to go to college. Start a legacy at Ole Miss,” Jocelyn smiled before disappearing into her bedroom.

Savannah went over to the desktop computer in the corner of the living room and began to work on an essay. I looked at the scholarship application and read the essay question.


“Which person  has had the most significant effect on your life and what is that effect ?,” I read. “Who are you writing about ?,”

“Mama . . .  but, I don’t want anyone else to read it.” she said, “It’s personal.”

“Oh, of course,” I said

“Who would  you write about ?,” Savannah asked me, “ I mean like, if it was your essay, who would you say had the most impact on your life ?,”

“Is saying Rhett taking the easy way out ?,”

“Maybe.” she laughed.

 I think even after a year it was still weird for her to think of her ridiculous older brother as married.

It was true though. He had affected me the most. No one knew this but, Rhett saved my life. . . . back then. When I thought I had nothing and nowhere to go he saved me and gave me this life. Maybe it was unintentional but, it happened and I will always  love him for that.

 

-2-

The perm has all but fallen out  and  the once tight curls now fall into delicate loose blonde waves. I gathered the waves and pushed my hair into a neat ponytail. I put on a knee length jean skirt, a green sweater set and a pair of black closed toe shoes to meet Jocelyn and Savannah for breakfast.

There was cereal on the table, I poured a bowl of Cornflakes while Savannah---who had odd eating habits-- was eating leftover rice with butter and salt.

“Why don’t you have any milk in that bowl ?,” Jocelyn asked me.

“I read that it is healthier this way,” I said

“Is it ?,” she sneered

I nodded my head. It was in fact true, Jocelyn liked to buy whole milk.

“ Alright, well come on girls let’s get goin’,” she said

I poured the rest of the cereal into a bag for later and stood up. Jocelyn looked me up and down but said nothing.

Freeport Baptist Church is a quaint  small church. The actual place of worship  was a small all-white building that looked like a very nice house standing in a big patch of  scenic green. With the exception of  a few annexes that are in the backyard, it looks just as it did years ago when it was built. It was the prettiest building in the town limits. The pews had just been redone and had a deep  blue backing.

We joined the congregation and took our usual seats just behind the front row. Jocelyn immediately started gossiping with the woman closest to her and Savannah turned in her seat frantically looking for Caleb’s family.

I looked up at the pulpit and I saw the associate pastor, Ellis Roads leaning over in his chair  whispering to the new young choir director and showing her something in his Hymnal. He looked up for a second and made direct eye contact with me and waved. After getting over the shock he was waving to me I smiled back.

When I first decided to become baptized I had been assigned a kind old pastor who was stringent about me visiting him but, he had left the church.  Rev. Roads took his place a few months ago. Rev. Roads had only met Rhett once or twice. I was supposed to be seeing Rev. Roads weekly but, I had kind slipped up and hadn’t visited him in a while.  Rev. Roads didn’t seem to have a problem with it.


I truthfully did like going to church. It felt like a cocoon for me—this wonderfully safe place full of people who believed in the same thing and supported each other. Everything about being a Christian was great inside the church, it was only going outside that made it hard.

The senior pastor of the church, Rev.Perkins was an older man who I had heard was battling some kind of cancer. His sermons were often harsh and forewarning but, today’s was a post-Christmas sermon so it was a light message about miracles and the birth of Jesus.

At the end of service one of the deacons, Mr. McKenna announced they were having a special celebration in the annex next door and they wanted everyone to go there immediately after service. We followed the crowd—Savannah slipped away to meet Caleb somewhere along the way. The annex, which was used as daycare space had a big birthday banner hanging up and balloons in every corner.

I thought it was for Christmas but, I saw the banner had Rev. Road’s name on it, apparently today was his 37^th birthday. There was some commotion going on but, they all somehow managed to get the lights off and everyone quiet as they brought Rev. Roads in and surprised him.

He laughed and looked surprised but, I was sure he had his suspicions. Soon it became a social gathering and I felt a little helpless as Savannah and Jocelyn left me standing alone. I walked around the room, trying to pretend like it didn’t bother me. There were a few girls in the church near my age but, they usually acted like they wanted nothing to do with me.

“How is it going ?,” Rev. Roads said suddenly coming up from behind me.

“Oh, happy birthday—and I am fine,” I said

I don’t know Rev. Roads whole journey to Freeport Baptist. He was originally from California, so he didn’t have the accent but, he had one I can’t really altogether explain.  I just could never figure out why he would take a position here.

“What is your husband up to ?,” he asked

“ Rhett  is good, I guess” I said attempting to brush my hair back and then remembering it was in a ponytail.

“Tell him next time he is in town to come and see us,” Rev. Roads continued," I'd like to meet him more than in passing,"

“I’ll try,” I said folding my arms.

“Well, my door is still always open for you,” he smiled

“I know,”

“You know we are trying to start a young women’s ministry. Let me introduce you to Amber Cunningham, she is around your age. She is the choir director.”

I followed him through the crowd to  the petite  frail looking girl in a floral dress,  her brown hair in a high ponytail,her bangs  at a perfect angle. Rev. Roads put his hand on her back and whispered to her before gesturing to me, Amber smiled at me as Rev. Roads walked off—leaving us alone.

“Hi,” I said to her.

“Hi-i,” she said.

She turned to the group of girls she was talking to and then turned back to me.

“So-o, how was your, uh Christmas ?,” her voice was high and heavily accented

“Fine.” I said,” Um, I think Mrs. Clark did your hair once. I think we have met.”

“Um, may-be . . . ye-ah,” she said,” Um, hmmm,  well, you could always join our choir if you wanna, o’course--,”

“Oh no,no—I don’t like to sing, I’m kind of stage fright.”

“O-oh. Ree-ally ?,” she asked, her plucked eyebrows raised

We stood for a minute not saying anything, her eyes were uneasy and her fake smile was beginning to fade.

“Well, it was nice meeting you.” I said.

“O’course,”

She took a step back before changing her mind and giving me a half hug before walking back to her friends.

I turned around and headed for the door, the entire conversation was just plain torture. I stepped outside and walked towards the parking lots. I heard a pair of heels coming after me.  I turned to see Jocelyn , her eyebrows furrowed.

“Where are you goin’?,” she asked

“Just getting some fresh air,” I said.

  I looked around, we were the only ones outside.

“Are you for real ?” she snapped at me in a hushed tone, “You can’t just leave a reception all early. That  is awful rude,”

“I'm not leaving and It’s not like anyone was talking to me,” I said

“ You have to open yourself up more. Maybe if you acted like you wanted to be here--,”

“I do want to be here,” I told her

“Well, maybe dress more appropriately. The least you could do is  put a nice dress and pair of heels on,”

“ I don’t have  a nice dress,” I told her,” None of my nice clothes fit anymore. I can’t just buy a whole new wardrobe, I think you know that--,”

“Do not get that attitude with me. I have been too good to you--,”

“How can I forget ? You tell me everyday. If you are sick of me than tell me to leave. Stop trying to guilt trip me, I am not your child.” I said in an even tone.

“ No, you ain’t technically my child but,  you live in my house, work at my store--,”

I turned my back on her and walked away.  She came after me and grabbed my arm.

“Don’t touch me,” I yelled at her jerking my arm from her. "I-I'm sorr--"

“Goodness, is this really how you are going to act on a Sunday ? You are being awfully selfish. I am just trying to teach you and you are being ungrateful. You ain’t a teenager anymore, honey.  I told Rhett you were just too immature--,”

I kept walking away from her and she didn’t follow.

The church was in walking distance from the house so, I decided to just walk home.

It was a quick walk and within minutes I made it to the  front steps of the house. I put one foot on the step but, I didn’t feel like going inside. The house was so small it felt claustrophobic at times. I crossed my arms and  looked around the quiet neighborhood. Most everybody was at church.

Well, not everybody.

 Cody Turner sat  across the street  in a lawn chair on the porch of  his house.

I left the Clark's front steps and walked over to his yard.  Cody was shirtless, his John Deere camouflage hat over his eyes and nursing  a beer. Beau, Cody’s  11 year old hound  dog was walking lazily back and forth in the yard. I walked up the front steps and Beau followed me, the dog barked and sniffed around me before licking my hand.

When he heard the barking Cody moved his cap up ,half opened his eyes and gave me a half smile.

“Your parents still at service ?,” I asked

“Guess so ,” he said

I looked over to see his parents station wagon wasn't in the drive way.

“Hey, can you drop me somewhere ?,” I asked

“I guess. Where you wanna go ?”

I thought about it.

“I don’t care,” I said

He picked his dirty white undershirt off the porch floor, got his car keys  and I followed him to his car. We drove down the street and went past the traffic light that led out of the neighborhood.

There really was no where to go. The best restaurant in Freeport was a Golden Corral and nearly everyone went there after service got out. I just needed to be alone so I asked Cody to drive me to the closed hair salon.

I told Cody he could leave me there but, he insisted on coming inside with me. He sat on my desk while I brought us some sodas.

“Sorry about the soda,” I said opening the Diet Pepsi, “It’s all they drink.”

He just took it with a smile

“So...you and Mrs. Clark fightin' ?,” he asked

“ I don’t know,” I sighed,” I just needed some space. I guess I’m having a hard time making friends.”

“I’m your friend,” he shrugged.

“Thanks,” I said.

I looked around the desk to see if I had left my book here.

“You know . . .  they  all just afraid of you, all ‘em. . . . Did Rhett tell you that ?,” Cody said

I shook my head.

“Prolly ‘cause he knows they  afraid of him too,”

“Am I really that scary ?,” I asked.

“Hell, yeah.” He chuckled,” Listen growing up in Freeport, folks were afraid of two things; the devil and them cult people--,”

I wanted to cover my ears, this was something we did not talk about.

“It was a shitstorm when some folk found out he joined them and everyone in town knows you were . . .you know, uh  . . .one of 'em.  Not that I care or nothin’. Also, I mean . . . .well . .  this  rumor has kind of spread you was in prison.”

No wonder Jocelyn was so ashamed of me, I saw myself as someone who was innocent to everything but when everything was laid on the table I came off pretty bad.

“I was in a halfway house, not prison.” I said

“Oh, damn . . . so it’s true ? What did you do ?,” he asked

The question caught me off guard.

“Hey, no one talks to me around here either,” he said,” I won’t tell.”

“Selling drugs, prostitution and some other little things,” I admitted.

Cody looked at me more interested than he had in an entire year.

“Does Rhett know--,”

“Of course,” I said

“Who else knows ?,”

“My dad and some friends in Florida. That’s about it.”

He nodded his head.

“Is it true that prostitutes make a lot of money ?,” he asked

“Mhmm,” I admitted

He smiled at this comment.

“What other secrets are you hidin’ ?,” he asked

“I think that’s it,” I said.

“Them girls would explode with gossip if they found out.” He smiled

“Which girls ?,”

“Nothin’ . . . just thinkin’ out loud,” he said

“Which girls ?,” I repeated.

“You know, Rhett’s old girlfriends or whatever. Not that any of them hold a candle to you.”

“Is there that many ?,”

He shrugged his shoulders but, I was sure he was hiding something.

I flipped the television in the corner on. It was weird being in the salon with just Cody.

“You really don’t have to stay. You can come pick me up later, if you want,” I said

“I ain’t got nothin’ better to do,” he admitted.

I started to flip through the channels.

“Hey, so . . .  like where did you have sex with these guys ?,” he asked

“Um, like in cars or wherever--,”

“Were you worried about like STDs ?,”

“I mean—I got herpes but, it wasn’t like . . . that,” I said, “It’s not something I want to talk about.”

“Sorry,” he said, ”I just thought  you was like this sweet little virgin who was going to straighten Rhett Clark out,”

He reached his hand out and touched mine. His finger traced were there should have been a wedding or engagement ring but, we could never really afford it.  Rhett wore  his father’s wedding ring and said we would get me one later. Later never really came.

“If anything it’s the exact opposite,” I said,” Rhett is the better one.”

Cody snorted at this comment.

“ I guess so,” Cody said,” He is kind of a jerk for leaving you in this shit town,”

“Yeah,” I agreed.

I finally found the Saints game and knowing Cody wanted to watch it, I kept it on the channel. We watched it for a while and just as it went into the 3rd quarter  the game went to commercial.

“I can’t get over that  you fucked with stranger and never thought anything of it . . .would you ever  do it again ?,” he asked

He seemed to be extremely interested in this topic.

“Commit adultery ?,” I said,” Never. It’s a sin.”

“Hey, givin’ head ain’t in the good book,” he said.

“How do you know, Cody Turner ? You never come to service, not even for Christmas.”

“You grow up in this town, you’ll hear it from every girl before she goes down on you.”

He took the remote and  turned the television down. I immediately stood up.

“Can you take me back home ?,”

He looked around annoyed.

“Yeah, sure.”

I made sure the salon looked exactly as it had when we came in and then closed it back up.

Cody opened the car door for me and we pulled out of the parking lot. Once on the main road he started driving towards the interstate, away from the neighborhood.

“Cody, where are we going ?,” I asked in a firm voice.

“I just need to get me some cigarettes,” he said

He drove down for 5 minutes before  pulling off at an exit and parking at a gas station. He opened his door and jogged inside, leaving me in the car. I crossed my arms and legs and had no idea why I felt so nervous.

After a few minutes he came out chewing on tobacco and holding a carton of Newports.  He opened the window to spit and we went back up to the interstate. As he merged into the traffic  he put his arm around my shoulders.

I kept my arms close to me and kept looking out the window.

“Stop here,” I said as he finally pulled into the neighborhood. I could walk the block to the house.

“You sure ?,”

“Yes, please.” I said

He pulled over and I got out.

“Thanks,”

“Sure, thing” he said

I walked quickly down the block and to the house, I saw Savannah and Caleb in the backyard. I took a deep breath and  walked inside, past the kitchen where Jocelyn was frosting a red velvet cake and watching the teenagers from the window.

“Where did you go ?,” she asked

I stopped in my tracks

“I just went for a walk.” I said

“With who ?,” she asked

“No one,”

I continued walking to our bedroom and took my hair down, I looked in the mirror and began to unbutton my sweater  when I heard a knock on the door. I turned to see Jocelyn.

“Yes ?,” I said.

“Listen,” she said softly, “ It’s been a year and I have to say I am not entirely happy with this situation. I know it ain't perfect for you either. I have to trust my son and I will do anything to support both of my children. But, I will say I have my limits. Do you understand ?,”

“Not really,” I said

“I know you were with Cody Tuner just now. I can take a lot but, I can’t take someone lying to my face.”

“I . . . I’m sorry,” I said not even knowing why I lied.

“That boy is bad news, he is going nowhere fast--,”

“I know. I am so sorry,” I said,” Do you want me to help you with dinner ?,”

“No,” she said and walked out slamming the door.

I sat on the bed and after a second  I started crying. I don’t know why, was it because I had been so close to doing something terrible or was it because I had felt the need to lie about it when nothing happened.

-3-

That night,  I made an unplanned call to Rhett when I was sure everyone in the house was asleep.  The walls in the house are thin so, I took the cordless phone to the backyard. I dialed his number at the base and after 4 rings the phone picked up but, all I heard was silence.

"Hello ?, Hello ?," I said

“ . . .Yeah,” he answered. He sounded like he had been sleeping.

I looked at my wristwatch that I had set to his time zone. It had to be around 7 PM there.

“Hi, it’s me.” I said,” I need to talk to you--,”

“Damn, girl. You woke me up--,”

“I’m sorry,” I said,” I just need to talk to you and hear your voice--,”

“Didn’t we just talk?,” he said

“That was 5 days ago.” I whispered, ”Rhett, I don’t know how much longer I can live like this. Your mom is frustrated and so am I.  .  . we had two arguments today--,"

“How many times I have to tell you ? It’s just the way she is,” he said,  “ You can’t tell me every little fight ya’ll have. I mean, god dammit-,"

His tone was harsher than I had hoped.

“Stop swearing at me. What is wrong with you ?,” I asked

“ I’ve just been up for 16 hours and after only an hour of sleep, you call me and start in on this crap. If you hate it so much then you can just leave.”

“And go where ?,”

“Connecticut , Florida, hell go to New York City for all I care--”

“Rhett.” I said and then decided to change the conversation,” How is your job going ?,”

“Fine. The hours are just a bitch.”

“Are you ever going to tell me exactly what you do ?,”

“No.” he responded

There was a pause on the line. I wanted for there to be something neutral for us to talk about, I didn't feel like arguing, but I couldn’t come up with anything.

“Well, alright J.” he said,” I gotta go.”

“Okay,”

I hung up the phone.

If  he was sleeping, he probably wouldn’t remember the conversation later. Not feeling tired  I went into my room found the book I had been reading yesterday and got half way through it.

 

-4-

I moved Savannah’s new flat iron through the last section of my hair and it all finally laid flat and straight. I brushed through it and tried to figure out if I looked thinner with my hair down or up. I let it all lay flat and then I pushed it behind my shoulders. If I had the time I would have gone back through and curled the ends.

Savannah was  at the Lambs and Jocelyn was working on her 9 AM clients—mostly the low maintenance little old ladies. I was in the house alone.

I  squeezed into a pair of faded blue Levis,  put one of Rhett’s gray COAST GUARD sweatshirts and pulled on a pair of sneakers. I put the mix cd in the disk player as I walked out of the door. I walked up the street and I saw out of the corner of my eye Cody’s car trailing behind me. I kept walking straight and pretended not to see him.

“He-ey !,” he called.

I turned my head, waved and kept walking.

“You need a ride ?,” he called out the window

I shook my head and kept going. He followed me for a few more seconds before getting the message and leaving me alone. I walked the few blocks until I ended up  at Freeport Baptist. I walked  behind the main building and into  one of the annexes  to Rev. Road’s office.

 I knocked on the door and Rev.Roads  welcomed me.

“I’m glad you took my invitation so soon,” Rev. Road said

His office was filled from top to bottom with books. On the back of the door he had an assortment of drawings from the kids and all over his desk where picture frames.

“I’m sorry I’m late,” I said, feeling silly for messing with my hair so much.

“It’s alright. Can I ask what prompted this visit ?,” he asked.

I was quiet as I considered  exactly what brought me here.

“Don’t be shy,” he said, “You know I believe in  the highest of confidentiality,”

I tried to think of how to verbalize what  had been going on in my head.

“I hate this marriage. I feel like I’m not supposed to say that--,”

"Not saying it could be worse,” he said.

“ Year one of this marriage has been hard and not the greatest. I want the second year to be different,”

“You mean ‘we’ ?,” he asked

“I don’t think Rhett exactly gets it. I kind of want to work on this alone . . . is that okay ?,”

“Not at all,” he said,” It’s not unheard off.  Can I ask you for some specifics ?,”

“I feel like I literally don’t know Rhett anymore.  I’ve seen him maybe 30 days since we have been married. He doesn’t call, he won’t tell me or his family much about his life in Alaska.  I don’t know where he is or what he looks at every day I can only imagine. It’s really hurting me and my relationship with his family. He won't let me be a wife and--well, I mean, I am trying not to be bitter--,”

I had to stop so I wouldn’t get too emotional. How had Rhett screwed this up so badly and not care ?

“May I ask you a question?,” he asked,”  In the past, you talk about the Clarks and Rhett a lot but never about yourself. Do you feel like you are stable ? ”

“I don’t know,” I responded, "What do you mean ?,"

“Sometimes when we fix ourselves, others around us see it and fix themselves accordingly--,”

“I’m sure but, Rhett isn’t exactly around--,”

“Still,” Rev. Roads said,” Do you know why I visit lots of churches ?,”

I shook my head.

“I write books. I  visit other churches to hear people's experiences. I use them for inspiration and stories. I have been doing it for years I’ve spent time at churches all over the world. I am working on a new book. I want you to read the draft and let it help you with your New Year’s Resolution.”

He opened his desk drawer and handed me a soft cover book with a plain blue cover. 

Faith, Hope & Love : Growing Love with All Your Strength by Dr. Ellis Roads

There was a sticker on the bottom that said it was a draft and not for sale.

“You’re a doctor ?,” I asked

“Well, in theology. This book is meant to be a guide for people before they get married but, I would like you to try anyway. Maybe write me a review.  What do you say ?”

I hesitated.

“If this is too much of a commitment--,”

“No, I think I need something that is a commitment,” I said

I opened the book to the contents page and flipped through the pages. The book was less than 200 pages.

"Proverbs 4:23," Rev. Roads said

I looked up at him.

"Above all else guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life," he said.  " Can I ask Juliana, How is your heart ?"

“A little broken,” I said.

“I’m sure, and I  hope we can fix that,” he said, “ Maybe you need to start filling your life with new and positive things. You know, make sure anger and other bad things don't take over ?”

“I don’t know,” I said,” I don’t let myself get too angry with Rhett, anymore. I do love him--,”

“What about your family ? Are they a positive source for you ? ,”

"My family ?"

I was still angry at my father for not accepting Rhett and I. We had a few brief phone conversations but, I had not seen him in over a year.  I think my father loved me but, I had kind of locked him out. Him and his new family.

“ I guess, I’ve been pretty  awful to my family. I mean, it's just my Dad. Should I call him ? I think I want to.,”

“I don’t know your whole situation but, I  think that would be a good idea--,”

“Maybe I should go and see them for a while,” I thought out loud.

“Maybe.” He said, “Maybe you need a little break from Freeport? I know I make a visit to California when I am tired of getting invited to the Golden Corral for dinner.”

I smiled.

“It’s been a year since I have seen my family. I am kind of nervous.” I admitted,” But, I should have a relationship with my Dad. Shouldn’t I  ?”

“If you can,” he said.

We sat in silence while I thought about it.

“I need to step out for a moment, Juliana.  You are more than welcome to use my phone if you want to call.” Rev. Roads said

“Okay,”

He stepped out from the desk  and headed outside. I stared at the wall for a minute before, I lifted the phone off of it cradle and stared at the key pad.

I didn't know my own father’s phone number.